indulge in pain.

I just want to meet somebody who isn’t terrified of my thoughts.

Everything is crumbling again. I don’t even know why I let myself think I was rebuilding anything. I feel so hollow. All the things I’ve been doing to try and prove I’m ok, I’m disgusted at my own disregard for my feelings. Worse than ever. The part that hurts the most is I don’t have anybody close enough to me to realise I’m not ok. Everybody is gone. The only people I have are only maintained by my lies. I need to ride out my saddness but I don’t even know where to start. I am entirely broken. Crying in work. Crying at home. Crying, just crying. Yet nobody can see my tears.

Dismantling everything I laid out with such precision for our future. I feel haunted by the life that could have been. Still now though I’m scared to put us in our grave. I bury all of this some place dark and deep inside, but I can’t stop myself leaving flowers - I’m just going further into myself to lay them. It’s so dark you don’t even see them. In the dark all manner of things grow over our headstone, the lettering barely visible now.

A delightful sense of relief washes over me. Your words seem further away and my own words start to muffle as that cotton woolly calm spreads through me. I press the base of my spine hard into the cold metal of the radiator next to my nest. I feel that sharpness. I feel. I can feel. My head has slowed and is quieter now and I can feel. I’m comforted, I’m comforting myself. I take great satisfaction from not being able to clearly interpret the voices. Most people seek clarity, they want to hear those words and understand them. I’m calm now, I can inhale and exhale and no dark presence labours my breathing. Life is running through me and I can feel.

I can get a small tattoo this week before I go away. I think starting my foot or my mandala background for my sleeve might be a bit much. If you haven’t read this book, read it now. I cried for 2 days after I finished it. Anyway this image is my favourite from The Standover Man, I think I will have just the image and leave the text. <3

I may be broken, but I don’t need somebody to fix me. Just somebody a little reflective so every now and then I can check that I’m putting myself together right.

Here I go with a desperately emo post about how crappy things are at the moment. Apologies in advance for that. As I mentioned before my father in law passed away on November 15th, completely out of the blue. It has knocked me and the whole family for six. I have been unwell since September and after a whole load of scans and blood tests etc I have to go and have camera tests in hospital which should be pleasant. To top it all off my poor mum has had another nervous breakdown, really quite bad this time, to the point she may have to be in hospital over christmas. I hate living nearly 6 hours away when these things happen. I feel awful that my little brother is basically there alone. I know my grandparents are feeding him etc but whereas when I was 18 I spent alot of time with my Nan he doesn’t really know her that well and I know it will be really awkward for him. He is quite awkward at the best of times and my mum has done everything for him and really looked after him (perhaps too much) so he doesn’t cope very well on his own. I just feel like Jay doesn’t need me moaning about my mum when he is dealing with his own grief and my family don’t need me upset about Joe and my mum so I need to just be strong for everybody but I have own worries about my health and stuff that I have nobody to help me through it all. Everything seems to happen at once. Anyway this is why my Lego Star Wars advent update was late. Sorry if I’m a bit moany for a couple of days xxx

etching on paper